I’m writing this from my house on the eve of watching yet another inevitable loss for Villa, as has become a weekly custom under your absent reign. You see what I did there? I actually addressed the subject of my message and explained where the hell I’ve been as this club slips into oblivion. I’d like to address some more of the elements of your ever so tactful letter to Villa fans.
‘I write to Villa supporters to make clear that this relegation lies at my feet and no one else’s.’ I assume the original draft of this sincere piece also made clear to Villa fans that the Earth is round, the sky is blue, and Bosko Balaban won’t be making into the all time Villa XI.
Well done on admitting that this is all your fault. That must genuinely be a difficult bullet to bite. This admission must be even harder in the knowledge that you recently threw your equally inept buddies Tom Fox and Henrik Almstadt under the bus, but let’s blame that on Steve Hollis and not you, after all you’re not a disconnected emotionless monster or anything.
I’m sure the last six managers who were kicked to the kerb with shattered reputations will take great comfort in the fact that they were fired due to something that’s your fault, while you still linger around Villa park like a bad smell.
While I have been aware that you had some amazing powers such as the ability to completely disappear, I was unaware that you had the ability of psychic premonition. You were cursed by a ‘nagging sense of inevitability’ that things were going wrong? A nagging sense of security is a term that spits in the face of the real heart of this club, the fans.
Upon feeling this nagging inevitability perhaps doing something about it would have been a better course of action? Rather than waiting until the house was burnt down to embers and then relieving yourself on the ashes under the pretence of remorse or penance. While you sit and give an afterthought to his poorly managed investment, Villa’s fans have gone through rage, heartbreak, sadness, depression, and despair watching the team they love. But we all can deeply emote with the nagging that you felt from afar, you poor soul.
I almost didn’t write this as you seem to have inadvertently highlighted what a radioactive virus you have been to this club yourself, ‘How many seasons after all can one hold on and hope to slide through? That is not Aston Villa. That kind of desperate existence is totally unacceptable, unbearable and totally incompatible with Villa’s glorious past.’ Again, why the f**k didn’t you do anything then?
You realised that the club was on the slide for seasons, as you have just admitted, yet it took until that Leicester game before even a nagging feeling hit you? For most of us who are at all in the loop with Aston Villa there have been flashing red lights and sirens for quite some time, no doubt they were impossible to detect from a different continent, where I assume you have changed your focus to creative writing, as your oh so eloquent open letter would suggest?
Don’t dare to claim that this club is beloved to you when your negligence has doomed it to embarrassment and ruin. Don’t claim to be doing your all to put this club in the right hands, when you are clearly throwing a spanner in the works of the restoration that the new board was tasked with undertaking.
I can hear you protesting already “But I DO love the club, I even got a tattoo of the crest!”. I’ve got bad news for you on two fronts there Randy. One, you’re going to have to get that tattoo altered, we’re ‘updating the brand.’ Two, much like your tenure that tattoo seems more like a drunken mistake than a sign of true love. I know a guy that got a tattoo of a kebab he bought once, and he’s vegetarian now, so hey, s**t happens you’re ‘branded’ for life now.
Your assurance that Aston Villa will ‘come back stronger and more able, with love and care for the community it serves, with the edge and attitude it must have to represent our history and tradition’ gives me some comfort. That statement must mean that your are about to sever ties with the club. You sold your father’s team the Cleveland Browns, and having successfully turned our club into something brown and untouchable, it’s time you pull the plug on the Lerner era at Aston Villa.
Credit where it is due though, congratulations in fact are in order as you have already returned us to England’s elite as you wished. I’m looking forward to playing fellow European Cup winners Nottingham Forest in the second tier next season. Thanks Randy.
On a personal level, I would advise keeping your more intimate thoughts out of official club statements. While I’m delighted for you that ‘Memories of Acorns on the shirt, and Ashley Young scoring a late winner against Everton still romantically nourish me’ the image of what this actually means is probably best kept in private and away from the imaginations of the public, particularly when your first name is Randy. An easy formula for this is that if what you’re going to say involves ‘nuts and romantic feelings’ about former players then keep it in your personal diary, not on the internet.
Once again the club hierarchy has completely failed to comprehend the feelings and mood at the club with this latest ‘woe is me’ insult to fans.
If you truly feel bad Randy then actions speak louder than words, so hurry up and hand over the keys and you can dwell on your crimes against football from your mansion back in the states and stop doing your all to hinder the revival our OUR beloved football club, not your one.
Why not fill the hours of praying for a takeover by checking out the two books Randy has been writing during his time not at Villa Park. Look out in stores for ‘A Nagging Sense of Inevitability: How not to run a football club’ and ‘Romantic Nourishment: 50 Shades of Brown’
Don’t forget to follow Finn on Twitter – @FinnMongey
And make sure you’re following MOMS on Twitter – @oldmansaid