What Aston Villa Will Actually Do in the January 2014 Transfer Window

January 2014 transfer window, incoming: Milner, Defoe, Lescott and more BS players

Venglos View reveals all of Paul Lambert’s January 2014 transfer window plans and what will happen to the rest of the bomb squad (BS) in one article…

Villan Returns

Top of Paul Lambert’s January 2014  transfer list  was the need to address the problem of Aston Villa fans suddenly worshiping ex-players that have left Villa, even though they slagged them off only months before.

After being introduced to Twitter last season by Samir Carruthers, Lambert was astounded after recently scanning through Villa fan’s tweets this season and seeing how they seemingly now pined after the likes of  Barry Bannan, Darren Bent and Stephen Ireland to be back at the club. He thought he’d done Villa supporters a favour by finally shipping them out.

Expect Bent and Ireland to be recalled from their loans with immediate effect at the beginning of January 2014, while Randy Lerner digs deep into his pockets to buy out Barry Bannan’s contract at Crystal Palace, so that Lambert can make him the new Villa captain for the rest of the season.

The BS factor

In the week running up to the opening of the transfer window, Lambert was quoted talking about a need to buy or loan experienced players in; this was actually not referring to what most fans had hoped for, namely the supplementing of Villa’s young and hungry squad with a bit of know-how and experience. Rather, Lambert was talking about addressing the alarming lack of depth to the Villa bomb squad (BS).

With the likes of Bent, Ireland and Bannan, at first, finding new clubs, then subsequently being brought back to play in the Villa first team in January 2014, Alan Hutton remains the only recognised international left in the BS.

Since, [the] BS was an integral part of Lambert’s ‘project’, Lerner and Faulkner were happy to give the Villa boss the necessary funds to fully realise his BS vision. In a swift double-piece of business in January, Lambert will bring in England internationals Jermain Defoe and Joleon Lescott. Both will be paid £80,000-a-week and will never play a first team game for Villa.

With Shay Given relieved from BS duty, Scott Carson will be made an offer he can’t refuse of an eight-year contract on £65,000-a-week, to trump even Given’s deal, making him the BS’s new number one.

To further increase the size of the BS at Villa, Antonio Luna, Karim El Ahmadi and Nathan Baker will all drop down from the first team to bolster its ranks. We can also reveal that Andreas Weimann has been earmarked for the BS in the 2014/15 season, if his first team form doesn’t pick up.

Centre-back Formula

Following in the recent tradition of Danish centre-backs at Villa, Lambert plans to bring in another Dane in that position. The name isn’t available at the moment, as Villa medics are looking at several Danish centre-back’s medical reports to find the most injury prone, so that Lambert can haggle a reduced price for them. Failing that, Lambert has an unnamed Dutch back-up CB choice, as they seem to have similar injury-prone characteristics to their Danish counterparts, so can be snagged on a cut-price fee.

Villa Brothers

Closer to home, Lambert maybe be on the verge of pulling off an unlikely homegrown coup. After the Moore brothers both failed to fulfill their early potential at Villa, and with history seemingly repeating itself with the Gardner brothers, Lambert, combining the ethos of his favourite saying ‘We Go Again’ with the old adage of ‘Third Time Lucky’, has approached the Gardner family to see if any of the other four brothers – Richard, Terry, Mark and Carl – are good enough to play for the Villa and bolster the squad in January.

Which one of the four Villa will sign will be announced mid-way through January, as first they have to complete tests to weed out which two of the other Gardners are Blues fans. With the six brother’s football allegiances divided equally (including Villan Gary and Bluenose Craig), Villa don’t want to let another Bluenose Gardner embarrassingly slip through the net like Craig did.

The Big Signing

The big January window transfer news we’ve saved for last…Villa’s marque signing of the window.

One Villa fan on Tweeter said, he was told by Randy Lerner in a restaurant, that his favourite Villa player since becoming chairman of the club is James Milner, and he would ‘move mountains’ to get him back to Villa Park.

Seemingly mountains have been moved.

There’s a few Villa fans who constantly talk about Milner coming back to the club during every transfer window and it seems they are not as deluded as we first thought. Lerner has pulled off what pundits are already calling the most audacious transfer of the season.

How do you get a player on a massive wage, who is in the running to win a Premier League winners medal and play in the Champions League knock out stages, to come to Villa Park on a reduced salary to join a relegation battle?

Well, Milner will join Villa (for the third time) in January as the Premier League’s first ever player-chairman. Lerner will give Milner 25% of his shares in Aston Villa and make him a co-chairman of the club. On top of a £15 million transfer fee to City and Milner’s undisclosed wage figure, as part of the deal, Lerner will also give the England international his eldest daughter, get Stephen Ireland to clean his boots, and rename the Doug Ellis stand, the ‘James Milner Stand’.

“I had to move some mountains, but this was the only way James would leave Manchester City for Aston Villa, at this moment in time,” commented Lerner, on the transfer.

PS – BS isn’t just an abbreviation for ‘bomb squad’.

Happy New Year to all Villans!

A Venglos View is a satirical (and sometimes surreal) look at the Villa. 


  1. quality article..you can see half of it happening!….anyway..how about us going after and landing Joe Cole? an experienced and creative midfielder that Fat Sam don’t seem to want…it wont happen but he could have the Merson effect and actually give us something worth watching…and yeah..I have had a couple.
    all the best UTV.

    • Cheers. I think Mr Cole might be a bit past it now. I don’t think he has the aura or charisma of Merson on the pitch. You’d also think that if Cole was going to spark back to life anywhere, it would be at his old club West Ham and he hasn’t really set the world on fire there.

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